Sequin Gowns & Mermaid Crowns : An Open Letter to the Man I Thought I'd Marry

Friday, June 17, 2016

An Open Letter to the Man I Thought I'd Marry

If anyone had asked me a week ago how I felt about you, I would have gone on and on about how wonderful you were, how I knew the moment I met you that you were going to be special, and that if you'd ask, I'd marry you in a heartbeat.  Even after 6 months, I found myself staring at your handsome face wondering how I got so lucky to have you.  I was totally and completely in love with you.  I thought about you first thing in the moring and before I went to bed.  Some of my happiest memories were waking up next to you.  You were the sun and the moon and you put all of the stars in the sky.  I never would have thought that in the blink of an eye you'd be gone, like a flash of lighting.

I don't agree with how you handled things; I know in my heart there was a better way to end things. But I do know that to you, that was the easiest way.  I still think you took the cowardly route, since I know that you simply couldn't bare to face the pain you had caused me.  But that also humbles me, because although your decision was selfish, I know that you truly do care for me.  Some people might think I am crazy and not understand how I'm not blind with rage and wishing you the worst, but that is just not the kind of person I am.  I may get easily angered by stupid drivers who don't use their turn signals, but when it comes to the people I love, I have an unreal and strangley calm level of understanding. The most pain I wish you is to feel the same level of hurt that you inflicted upon me.  I get why you did what you did, I do.  Do I agree with you? No.  Is that what I would have wanted?  Absolutely not.  But hindsight is 100% and as much as I love you, I can see that I am destined for more.

I do not doubt that you loved me fully; not at all.  However, I loved you with every single ounce of my being: 110%.  You loved me 100% for you, which I will always keep in my heart.  But 100% on your scale was only about 75% on my scale, and even though at the time that amount was heaven, in the long run it would not have been enough.  I truly do believe that you tried your hardest and loved me as much as you were capable of, but I can't help but go back to the saying that wisely states: You cannot fully love another until you fully love yourself.  It is now my feeling that you really didn't know who you were, or what you really wanted out of life.  I saw the internal battle in our time together and after everything you had been through I can see how you would benefit from some time alone to find yourself.  I, personally, have already done this.  I have a lot of confidence and not a lot of insecurity, which is why I can love so completely.

I also believe that we are placed in people's lives to teach each other lessons.  At first I was angry and wondered why something that made me so happy would be taken from me so suddenly.  I looked for the lesson and struggled to find one. But then I realized: maybe I was placed in your life to teach you something.  I'm not sure what that is either, but it seems as though I've done my job.  I did gain a lot from you: You told me I was beautiful when I felt the need to hide, you pushed me to be a better version of myself, and you left me with a lot of wonderful memories that I'll look back on one day with fondness and not sadness. I hope that I was able to teach you things and make you realize that you deserve better than you think.

As heartbroken as I am that you are no longer in my life, and as long as it is going to take for me to get over constantly missing you, I push myself to keep thinking "don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened."  I don't regret anything with you and I will always have a place in my heart for the love you gave me.  I don't want to look back on our relationship and go right to the pain of how you betrayed my trust and totally blindsided me.  You made a bad and rash decision, but you're intention was not to hurt me.  So I hope that in some time I will be able to come across the photos and momentos from our time and remember the happiness you brought me when I really needed it.  Even though I was wrong, and that we weren't meant to spend our lives together, I know fate brought us together for a reason.  We helped each other get through some rough times that may have been a lot harder to face alone.  So even though our time together was cut short, I am grateful that I got to have you for the short time that I did and I hope that if our paths cross again my heart will remember the love and not the pain.  I wish you all of the love and happiness that the world has to offer you. Although I don't think you will ever find someone that will love you as much as I did, if you are lucky enough to find that again then by that time you will deserve it.  I will always love you, and thank you for pushing me to realize the level of love I deserve.
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